When A Friend Shuts You Out

Recently over on Instagram (let’s be friends @_thepinkchickadee), I have been seeing several folks discussing some rather taboo or less discussed topics that I’m hoping to shed some light on over here in 2025 and beyond. In 2024, I shared my ramblings on loneliness (here and here) and plan to share more of my thoughts on similar taboo topics. One of those topics is something that I think many of us have experienced over the years: when a friend shuts you out. This is a super tough topic to discuss as it’s truth be told such a sucky feeling and thing to experience. We genuinely as humans and friends want to be apart of our friends’ lives, but sometimes they don’t want us to be apart of their lives anymore. It’s a rather tough pill to swallow, but is very well the truth a lot of the times when a friend shuts you out. And, trust me: I’ve been there too.

When I graduated college back in May of 2021, I was apart of a so-called sorority-like friend group and had thus felt a major sense of belonging from it and throughout my college experience. I ended up moving from North Carolina to the Washington, DC area literally a day after receiving my diploma and hence begun my next chapter into adulthood. It was terrifying at the time, but with a job already in line in the nation’s capital to start later that Summer, I knew where I needed to be. I was pretty much the ONLY person from my 400-person sorority-like all-women’s college class to move to Washington, DC. Many of my college friends including my friend group remained in North Carolina. And, after four years of memories made in our college dorms, apartments, college formals and events and celebratory occasions, distracting ourselves from studying, late night talking and drinking, and everything in between, I simply began to get shut out by many of my college friends at the time. We had literally gone from taking photos in our caps and gowns galavanting around our college campus the day before to pretty much barely texting each other. The texts and FaceTime calls from afar became far and few in between. A few months later, I came back to North Carolina to visit for a weekend. I noticed a stark difference between the friends that I made while we were in college and while we weren’t in college. It felt as if I was in one day and the next day simply shut out. All I had heard about was the gossip of the time that I had been simply shut out of. And, to my surprise and disappointment, I had been excluded from the typical friend group activities of the weekend I was in town. Which I had instead received many excited texts about how fun the outing was and how excited everyone else was to be there … without me. The pain I felt at the time was unbearable and utter shock. Essentially, I been shut out of that friend group that I once cherished and felt so much belonging in a few months prior.

At the time, I was in utter denial that I was being shut out of my friend group that had once provided me such a great feeling of belonging. I had convinced myself many times and times again that things would change and that these friends of mine from college would realize what they’re missing out on. I would continuously text these friends, hoping they’d start to respond more and more frequently. Maybe, perhaps, one of them or a few would want to come and visit me in Washington, DC for the weekend. Just MAYBE things would change. But, instead, the texts became more and more sparse.

I share this story to tell you that you are not alone by any means in experiencing when a friend that shuts you out. The simple reality of the matter is that we all have friends that will or have shut us out at one point or another. Guess what? It hurts. It’s painful. And, a lot of the time, we don’t truly understand why. A lot of the time, the reasoning has nothing to do with us. Rather, there can be a variety of factors our friends may be experiencing, including: personal issues, jealousy and/or insecurity, shift in priorities, physical distance, miscommunication, or different life stages. Usually though, the reasoning has nothing to do with us who simply want to keep the friendship alive.

So, to put it into context: no, you did not do anything wrong by simply wanting to check in on your friend and continue that friendship without them reciprocating. Simply put, you don’t need to feel guilty or shame for simply wanting to keep that friendship alive. However, friendships are a two-way street. We need to focus our energy more so on the friendships that choose us as we choose them and NOT the friendships that don’t choose us. It can be easier said than done, I know.

Upon graduating from college and settling into my new life and job in the nation’s capital, I kept in touch with many of my college friendships beyond that one specific friend group which provided me with the most belonging during those four years. One of my friends at the time (we’re still friends to this day!!) was appreciative that I reached out to her and continued to choose her as a friend. She thanked me! That exact text made me realize that there is SO much to be thankful for with the friendships that we do have and are able to maintain. We need to focus more on the friendships that are two-way streets. Like with dating, we need to choose those who choose us time and time again. Those that make space for us in their lives are the ones that we want and need to keep around. Those are the friendships that are of high-value and worth having.

At the end of the day though, I do feel extremely fortunate to have several friendships from my college years that I have to this day. Indeed, some of these friendships were unexpectedly formed after college and through creating this platform! But at the end of the day, I discovered that these are the friendships worth keeping. None of these friendships resulted in either person being shut out, but rather chosen to be kept in one another’s lives. We send those lengthy audio messages where we love to yap, exchange thoughts in the group chats, and slide into our Instagram DMs to share adorable content we think one another would like. We also make plans to see one another, despite many of us living in different cities and states. We may talk daily, weekly, monthly, or even periodically. But, at the end of the day, we chose one another and those are the friends worth keeping around.

And, while my highly esteemed friend group and I in college may have parted our ways after my big girl move, I will cherish the times that we did have together during our college years. The memories made will always be there to cherish. Although I may not talk to them everyday like we used to, I still am open to the possibility that we may exchange some texts here and there and remember our fun college days (like I have one a few occasions). 

Reality check: when a friend shuts you out, it sucks, but we must move forward. We need to focus our energy on those that open their doors to us, not shut them in our faces. Sometimes, the truth hurts and that’s simply apart of the evolution of adult friendships at all ages and life stages. Most importantly, we must move forward with a heart full of gratitude for those that have chosen to keep us around and keep them around especially when a friend shuts you out, too! Perhaps, another lengthy audio message of gratitude and meme of appreciation incoming over making plans for a lengthy catch up session?!?!

XOXO – Katie <3

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The Blessings of College Friendships!

Friendships come and go, but there is something OH SO special about bonds made during the college years. Just like during any another stage of life, not all friendships that are made while in college prevail outside of the college years. However, those special friendships that do last into the postgraduate years are one’s that are special and destined to potentially last a lifetime.

While at Meredith College, I was so lucky to have made several friends during my time there. The majority of those friendships do not prevail to this day and that is OKAY. I am a firm believer that although some friendships do not last a long time, they each teach us certain lessons that will carry us throughout our lifetime. Many of my college friendships that did not survive to this very day made me realize that there are blessings in now non-existent connections. They teach us different lessons about our life, whether it be knowing our self worth, enjoying happy memories, and learning more about ourselves. Whatever the lesson and case may be, that IS a blessing to have learned that lesson (or two or three!). They say that people come into our lives for a reason and that is indeed true when it comes to those who may not play an important role in our lives anymore, even if they used to.

I am lucky enough to say that I have several friendships from my college years that I am still blessed to be able to have today. We have made several memories together since our college years, including visiting me in Washington, DC (and many more who still want to come visit!!!), going on a weekend getaway to Asheville, North Carolina, celebrating one another’s birthdays and graduations and people coming from both near and far to do so, and going back to our much loved alma mater Meredith College for Homecoming Weekend to commemorate where it all began. We spend late nights texting, FaceTiming, and talking to one another from time to time and some on a regular basis. We still get one another Birthday presents, enjoy touching base, and plan our next time to see one another. We reminisce on the good times that we had at Meredith College and look towards the future. We empower one another as we kick start our own careers in this adult world that can be scary and unknown, yet exciting. We make the time to be there for each other, despite being across state borders and in different cities both hours and miles apart. We are each others’ blessings in our lives and perhaps soulmates in a friend-like manner.

My several friendships made in college are some of the biggest blessings within my own life. Last weekend, I was visiting my friend Alanna for her Birthday weekend. We got dinner with a mutual friend and my former roommate, Sophie, who happened to be in town for the weekend from medical school in South Carolina and all talked for HOURS at the restaurant. We visited the nearby old downtown of Apex, North Carolina and met up with our friend Hannah for chips, queso, and tacos. We also celebrated Alanna’s Birthday with steak and potatoes and *of course* cake with our friends Hannah and Aspen along with her parents. My week was busy and tiring before then and making the trip down to Raleigh was so so so needed. It was, indeed, refreshing and the perfect way to reconnect and refuel myself before working again the next week.

Every time I see my college friends, I feel 1000% better, *even* when I don’t feel like socializing or doing perhaps anything. To me, that is the sign of true friendship. I am SO grateful to be able to have great friends like the ones that I have from college. They truly keep me going in my good days and my bad days. To have those friendships that have stuck it out through the rollercoaster that is known as life are meant to be destined to last a long long time. And, that I am forever grateful for.

XOXO – Katie <3

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The Reality of College Friendships Post-Graduation

Flash back to August 2017. I had moved into my college dorm at Meredith College, which I am a proud alumnae of and LOVE to brag about on my Instagram (follow me @_thepinkchickadee!) and met A TON of people, all of which I considered to be my besties. Overwhelmed with excitement and giddy about how fast my social life had blossomed and tremendously grown in the blink of one night in my mattress pad-covered dorm bed, I couldn’t wait to make more and more besties the next day. These besties of mine that I had met at college, whether through Facebook (yes – I was THAT girl who introduced herself to and added EVERYONE on Facebook from my incoming Freshmen class Facebook group the months before moving in), socials arranged by on-campus organizations, orientation, or simply in the dining hall, I saw myself as becoming besties with my brand-new besties and remaining besties forever. Flash forward 5 years to summer 2022. I am oh so grateful for the relationships and friendships that I have established. BUT, my list of besties from college is nowhere near what I thought it would be one year out of college.

In college, we meet ALL kinds of people. I met people from small towns in North Carolina, big cities in North Carolina (such as Charlotte, Raleigh, and Winston Salem), other Southern states including Florida, Tennessee, and Georgia, and everywhere in between. My eyes were truly open to the vast diversity of people within the state of North Carolina and the South as a whole. A few weeks after I moved in my Freshmen year, I went on a trip with other Meredith College classmates of mine to Savannah, Georgia. My Sophomore year a group of us went to Washington, DC. My Junior year, a group of us went to Charleston, South Carolina. I also studied abroad in Sansepolcro in Tuscany, Italy and London, England and even San Ignacio in the rainforest region of Cayo, Belize. I was able to see the world around me and learn from it right with my Meredith College classmates. I met several people from several different backgrounds from all across the globe. Many of those folks became my besties and played a strong role in my college experience, too.

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, my college social world felt as if it was over as I then knew it. Pre-COVID-19, I hosted multiple dinner parties each month. At one point in time, I even had over 30 people and a dog in my tiny tiny tiny apartment at once on a Wednesday night. I went out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, coffee, and all of the above ALL THE TIME. I participated in ALLL the Meredith College committees, events both on and off campus, and even local Raleigh events. I even spent HOURS each week in between my classes sitting at a table in the Student Union helping to sell shirts for both class and club fundraisers as well as events, alike. I saw everyone, socialized with everyone, got pictures with everyone, and dressed to the 9’s in my good olde Katie preppy style. Life felt good and then when COVID-19 hit, it wasn’t. I had LOTS of friends that I saw day in and day out, many of which I lost touch with and grew apart from during the pandemic.

To my surprise, the pandemic was the first of many waves of distancing from many of my so-called besties. During the COVID-19 pandemic, my apartment roommate moved back home, so it was just me in our apartment. I feared being alone, but once I faced that fear, I *surprise* actually LOVE and embrace being alone from time to time. When I faced my fear of being alone, I also started to truly work on loving myself. I treated myself with better care and kindness and continue to to this day. Working on myself so much made me realize that some of those friends of mine were not truly friends of mine for the long haul. Many of my college friends would call me only to ask for favors or check-in’s (for context: I regularly checked in on college friends during the pandemic that I rarely saw) would only come from me and not from them as well. On the flip side, I had several college friends who we would only use our memories for show aka for the social media post, but not much for the friendship. Looking back on some of my college friendships, I felt stressed around some of those I’d hang out with in ensuring I got the perfect picture to post, had the perfect outfit, and went to every social outing. There was NO foundation to our friendship and many of those friends I couldn’t even think of one reason why I was their friend than for social outings and social media. It made me realize that I deserved more in the friendships that I invested in moving forward.

They say the more you work on yourself, the more people you let go. That rings true to friendships of ALL kinds. When I broke up with my abusive ex and got out of that toxic relationship and ultimately chose myself, I lost many of our then-mutual friends and those in our community that supported and admired our relationship. Only a few people stuck around and made sure I was okay after the breakup. I had a lot of support from those in my community who truly cared for me and wanted simply the best for me. The rest left and the break up truly was one of the first experiences that made me realize who was truly in my corner at ALL times. Similarly speaking, when I moved to Washington, DC post-college graduation, many of my then-friends became a distant memory. Some friends checked in and others didn’t. To some friends, I left and wasn’t coming back to Raleigh, so I was a distant friend from a past world, and to others, I was still their friend that they checked in on and wanted to see when we were both in the same city. Some of these friends just moved on like I left and never looked back. I realized that I deserved and do deserve MORE. Others made the effort to check-in and reunite when we were together. Those are the friends that I still have in my corner. We have travelled together and some have even come to visit me. They are also the ones the I see whenever I come to Raleigh. Friendships are a two-way street. I realized that if I want to maintain a friendship with someone that I deserve a friendship where both parties make an effort to keep in touch for more than just a tag in a post on Instagram.

There were some college friendships that I felt heartbroken to loose and eventually grow apart from. I grieved. I was distraught. I fought hard to keep those friendships alive even when I knew that I was better off without them. These were the people that I never wanted to loose. They were the friends that I envisioned at my wedding, baby shower, and planning college reunion trips with decades down the line. I envisioned having these friends in my life for, well, life. Looking back at some of these friendships though, a lot of the friends that I am not in touch with to this day from college, I didn’t turn to them when I needed them most. Instead, I turned to the college friends that I still am super blessed to have in my life to this day. But, I instead, decided that the friendship was not worth saving. College friendships are HARD to maintain post-graduation. When everyone is dispersed in different cities, working jobs at different companies in different industries, and simply living lives very different from one another and not within an elevator’s or hall’s reach to one another, things change. More and more effort takes place when we live farther apart from each another. It’s life and it’s NORMAL.

Although some college friendships don’t last far out of the college years, others will and others will even grow more after college, too. I’ve learned over time to focus on those that DO care for me and the friends that I DO have. There’s so much joy that I have for the friends that I DO have to this day from college and beyond. We can look back and laugh on our college memories and grow together, even when we live far apart from one another. I have also grown connections with those from college that I wasn’t as close to during my college years, especially in recent times. It’s funny how the stars align that way sometimes. Sometimes we drift apart from those that we weren’t meant to have in our lives, but we grow closer to those who are meant to be in our lives long term. Those bonds are such a special thing, too. Even more special than those bonds once there but not anymore.

While my Freshmen year college self would LOVE to see a whole wedding guest list full of my besties from college of group chats in my text messages to this day, I truly have friendships that I can focus on more so and make it worth the time and investment, too. I have grown as a person and so have all of my besties from Freshmen year of college. Remember, that while you may fear and feel sadness towards loosing some college friendships, you also will gain so much more from the one’s that will remain and are to come.

XOXO – Katie <3

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