When A Friend Shuts You Out

Recently over on Instagram (let’s be friends @_thepinkchickadee), I have been seeing several folks discussing some rather taboo or less discussed topics that I’m hoping to shed some light on over here in 2025 and beyond. In 2024, I shared my ramblings on loneliness (here and here) and plan to share more of my thoughts on similar taboo topics. One of those topics is something that I think many of us have experienced over the years: when a friend shuts you out. This is a super tough topic to discuss as it’s truth be told such a sucky feeling and thing to experience. We genuinely as humans and friends want to be apart of our friends’ lives, but sometimes they don’t want us to be apart of their lives anymore. It’s a rather tough pill to swallow, but is very well the truth a lot of the times when a friend shuts you out. And, trust me: I’ve been there too.

When I graduated college back in May of 2021, I was apart of a so-called sorority-like friend group and had thus felt a major sense of belonging from it and throughout my college experience. I ended up moving from North Carolina to the Washington, DC area literally a day after receiving my diploma and hence begun my next chapter into adulthood. It was terrifying at the time, but with a job already in line in the nation’s capital to start later that Summer, I knew where I needed to be. I was pretty much the ONLY person from my 400-person sorority-like all-women’s college class to move to Washington, DC. Many of my college friends including my friend group remained in North Carolina. And, after four years of memories made in our college dorms, apartments, college formals and events and celebratory occasions, distracting ourselves from studying, late night talking and drinking, and everything in between, I simply began to get shut out by many of my college friends at the time. We had literally gone from taking photos in our caps and gowns galavanting around our college campus the day before to pretty much barely texting each other. The texts and FaceTime calls from afar became far and few in between. A few months later, I came back to North Carolina to visit for a weekend. I noticed a stark difference between the friends that I made while we were in college and while we weren’t in college. It felt as if I was in one day and the next day simply shut out. All I had heard about was the gossip of the time that I had been simply shut out of. And, to my surprise and disappointment, I had been excluded from the typical friend group activities of the weekend I was in town. Which I had instead received many excited texts about how fun the outing was and how excited everyone else was to be there … without me. The pain I felt at the time was unbearable and utter shock. Essentially, I been shut out of that friend group that I once cherished and felt so much belonging in a few months prior.

At the time, I was in utter denial that I was being shut out of my friend group that had once provided me such a great feeling of belonging. I had convinced myself many times and times again that things would change and that these friends of mine from college would realize what they’re missing out on. I would continuously text these friends, hoping they’d start to respond more and more frequently. Maybe, perhaps, one of them or a few would want to come and visit me in Washington, DC for the weekend. Just MAYBE things would change. But, instead, the texts became more and more sparse.

I share this story to tell you that you are not alone by any means in experiencing when a friend that shuts you out. The simple reality of the matter is that we all have friends that will or have shut us out at one point or another. Guess what? It hurts. It’s painful. And, a lot of the time, we don’t truly understand why. A lot of the time, the reasoning has nothing to do with us. Rather, there can be a variety of factors our friends may be experiencing, including: personal issues, jealousy and/or insecurity, shift in priorities, physical distance, miscommunication, or different life stages. Usually though, the reasoning has nothing to do with us who simply want to keep the friendship alive.

So, to put it into context: no, you did not do anything wrong by simply wanting to check in on your friend and continue that friendship without them reciprocating. Simply put, you don’t need to feel guilty or shame for simply wanting to keep that friendship alive. However, friendships are a two-way street. We need to focus our energy more so on the friendships that choose us as we choose them and NOT the friendships that don’t choose us. It can be easier said than done, I know.

Upon graduating from college and settling into my new life and job in the nation’s capital, I kept in touch with many of my college friendships beyond that one specific friend group which provided me with the most belonging during those four years. One of my friends at the time (we’re still friends to this day!!) was appreciative that I reached out to her and continued to choose her as a friend. She thanked me! That exact text made me realize that there is SO much to be thankful for with the friendships that we do have and are able to maintain. We need to focus more on the friendships that are two-way streets. Like with dating, we need to choose those who choose us time and time again. Those that make space for us in their lives are the ones that we want and need to keep around. Those are the friendships that are of high-value and worth having.

At the end of the day though, I do feel extremely fortunate to have several friendships from my college years that I have to this day. Indeed, some of these friendships were unexpectedly formed after college and through creating this platform! But at the end of the day, I discovered that these are the friendships worth keeping. None of these friendships resulted in either person being shut out, but rather chosen to be kept in one another’s lives. We send those lengthy audio messages where we love to yap, exchange thoughts in the group chats, and slide into our Instagram DMs to share adorable content we think one another would like. We also make plans to see one another, despite many of us living in different cities and states. We may talk daily, weekly, monthly, or even periodically. But, at the end of the day, we chose one another and those are the friends worth keeping around.

And, while my highly esteemed friend group and I in college may have parted our ways after my big girl move, I will cherish the times that we did have together during our college years. The memories made will always be there to cherish. Although I may not talk to them everyday like we used to, I still am open to the possibility that we may exchange some texts here and there and remember our fun college days (like I have one a few occasions). 

Reality check: when a friend shuts you out, it sucks, but we must move forward. We need to focus our energy on those that open their doors to us, not shut them in our faces. Sometimes, the truth hurts and that’s simply apart of the evolution of adult friendships at all ages and life stages. Most importantly, we must move forward with a heart full of gratitude for those that have chosen to keep us around and keep them around especially when a friend shuts you out, too! Perhaps, another lengthy audio message of gratitude and meme of appreciation incoming over making plans for a lengthy catch up session?!?!

XOXO – Katie <3